Knights of Walpurgis

Archive for October, 2010|Monthly archive page

Frustration #3

In Uncategorized on October 31, 2010 at 2:17 pm

Girls are my third frustration.

I wish I could easily talk to them without being much awkward. I have friends who are girls and I can talk to them but it gets kind of awkward when there are only two of us. I do not know what the hell I am supposed to talk about. I try to begin with something that we have in common like classes and subjects but it is difficult to move to something different. I wish I could be smooth and cool like the cool guys who get all the girls they want.

I think I fell in love many times but I always stop somewhere before things got serious. I have to admit that more than three years that I saw this girl, I am still in love with her. From that time on to the present, I felt attracted to numerous girls with some being close to me. Some of these girls are my friends and it is difficult to move from the friend zone to the More Than Friends zone. My move is to talk to them about stuff but it always just ends in that. When you try to think too much about what you are going to do, you end up not doing it.

One of the girls that I tried to make a move on has a guy bestfriend. This is kind of problematic. I once saw her at my gym, started a conversation which ended up with both of us agreeing that we would contact each other to see each other again at the gym. Before we said goodbye to each other, she said that I should not tell her bestfriend that we are seeing each other at the gym. I stuck to that. For the next several weeks, I contacted her, telling her that we should hang out at the gym on this time at this date. However, she kept making excuses about not being able to go to our appointments. After a few weeks, I gave up. She is a hopeless cause and it is her loss not mine. A few weeks later, another friend of mine was making a move on her and her guy bestfriend broke the other guy’s arm.

Another girl that I was making a move on recently broke up with her boyfriend. She then began talking to me which I took as a sign of flirting and I reciprocated. However, she came back to her old boyfriend a few months later. Even if we theoretically had a relationship, it would still be fraught with difficulties mainly because she is a lesbian. I would still hit on her though because she is one of the hottest girls I know. She always wears these slutty shorts and I fantasized of fucking her. Hell, even if she already has a boyfriend, we could still do it–friends with benefits or fuck buddies.

The girl that I was talking about, which again is my crush for the longest time, is who I am hoping for to be my classmate in one of my classes. We have different courses which are quite far apart from each other. This means that it would take a stroke of luck for us to be classmates. However, we were classmates three years ago and I cherished some good memories with her. I remembered the time when, after class, about 4:30 pm, she just sat next to me in a bench and we started talking. This continued on for the next thirty minutes. In another time, we were walking side by side while we were both going out of our university while trudging the path out of the campus. After that incident, I tried waiting for her for days to go to the same path but she did not.

Last semester, I met this girl. We were from the same course and we have many mutual friends. She is beautiful and hot but she is not really my type. However, I heard from many of my friends that she likes me. During classes, we usually sat right next to each other and talked about various things. I am trying to not make a move on her and just let things go their natural course. However, I think I am attracted not to her but to one of her close friends which is also a friend of mine. Another deterrent for making a move on the girl who likes me is the fact that she is very rich. She wears diamond jewelry in class. How am I able to go to her in a date without making my wallet bleed?

I want to go to parties

In Uncategorized on October 29, 2010 at 2:00 am

I want to go to parties.

I look forward mostly to the drinking sessions where copious amounts of alcohol are consumed. The feeling of intoxication is awesome. I do not want to get wasted but to get in the zone between tipsy and wasted which is called the awesome zone. I am restricted by my parents from going to these parties. They do not explicitly forbid me to go but they create situations where it is impossible for me to go such as giving me tasks on the day itself. I am legal so it is not against the law for me to drink alcohol. Alcohol is a social lubricant and it is scientifically proven that drinkers are less likely to suffer health problems than their non-drinking counterparts.

This is related to the reason for having a car. If I possess a car, I will be able to go to these drinking sessions and have fun with my friends. I want to bond with my friends and share stories that are only possible to tell when people are a bit on the wild side already. Alcohol loosens the tongue and it does it best. So we are still talking about drinking not partying. Partying involves grinding to the music of repetitive beats (TUGS TUGS TUGS) and grinding with another person.

This leads us to my third reason for being sad which is meeting with girls (or lack thereof). I usually meet girls at classes but still it is awkward to talk to them about something except the subject. If I am in a party, you really do not have to talk to them so much. You just have to dance with them and grind them in the ass. If you have to talk with them, you can talk about stupid things especially if they are already drunk. If you even manage to talk with them, the loud music will not be much of a help. If you are good enough, you can get laid.

P.S. Last afternoon, I was at the mall, just chilling, when I saw this group of kids (well, young teens) trying their buy their way to purchase alcoholic drinks. They keep pointing to an imaginary person who, I assume, was supposedly commanding them to buy a drink. The woman who was tending the drinks along with two other male employees would not budge and would not give them their drinks.

By the way, the beer woman is really hot. I sometimes go to the mall just to see her ass. She wears these black pants who are so tight that you can see the shape of her legs and ass. I think that she does not wear underwear since there are no panty lines on her pants.

The kids who are trying to buy a drink are dumb. They cannot go out of the mall to have their drink. They can only drink it inside. Doing so could easily alert the guards and they can be put to jail. Also, it is illegal to sell drinks to minors even if someone is asking them do so.

Insomniac…nah Car

In Uncategorized on October 28, 2010 at 12:38 pm

I think I am a conditional insomniac.

I hate what is happening to me. Sometimes I feel awful and depressed. No, depression is such a generic term nowadays. Everyone says they are depressed. The emo kids claim they are depressed and this is reflected in their ways of dressing up. They wear their hair on one side with their eye being covered which is said to be crying. They are almost whining about anything. They wear black clothing to signify the emotions welling deep inside them which are despair and angst. But, really, what do they know of these things?

What do they know of being truly depressed? It is not something that a person is proud of. I wish I am happy but I am not. My life is not going according to how I want it to be. You can say that I am basically in a situation where there is stability. When there is stability, the stable things get pushed on to the sidelines while the things that are on the rocks shine like the brightest star in the dark night. Like a white canvas with a blot of ink, anyone can easily the bad things that are happening without seeing the good. They call this pessimism. However, the opposite, optimism, is something problematic as well. It forgets the problems. Like a drug that takes you high into the clouds, you do not want to go back. You do not want to face reality.

Blogging is said to be a therapy to share the thoughts that I have. I really cannot say these things to anyone. Having a shrink costs a lot, you know? If I will get a shrink, It would be best not to do this at the present time. The people around me ask to much to the point that there is no privacy at all. I am trying my best to figure things out by myself.

Based on reflection, I concur that my problem stems from the lack of girls, lack of parties, absence of my own car and God letting me down. The absence of my own car is kind of misleading since I do not have my own car. I wish to own a car someday but, so far, there are no signs that God is helping me. I prayed to Him for me to have a car but He does not answer me. A car is not just a luxury but a symbol of freedom. A car takes you places. I want to go to places. Hell, I even had a dream about a car. It was just an ordinary red Japanese car except that I’m driving it inside the house and trying my best to get it out of the house. I did not even reason how the hell a car can get inside the house. Such dreams. I really want a car so bad. I just think that the waiting time for having a car makes it more worthwhile. However, there is a silver lining to not having a car. A car can also be a burden. A golden chain that is good to look at but still ties you to the rock of responsibility. There are also logistical concerns such as saving money for fuel and maintenance as well planning out the route before you even go out which is not tedious if public transportation is used.

So how does this all relate to insomnia? … Tune in for next time.