Knights of Walpurgis

Archive for November, 2010|Monthly archive page

It’s Hard to Sleep Again

In Uncategorized on November 3, 2010 at 4:06 pm

Yeah. It is.

However, this time it is different. I believe that this time it is not insomnia. Just pure old annoyance at stuff. I do not believe in the psychobabble shit about depression causing insomnia and stuff like that.

I was able to devise an experiment where I tried different variables that cause my sleeplessness. Apparently, the timer in the air conditioning unit is the cause. This timer turns off the aircon after one and a half hours of operation and resumes again for the same amount of time. My body is capable of sensing when the aircon stops and I wake up in the middle of the night, frustrated about what has happened. I got rid of my siesta (afternoon sleep) in order for me to be sleep faster.

Last night, I went to bed at around 11:30 pm. I am still awake by 1 am because I checked the time at the clock when I went down from the bedroom to pee. I next woke up around 5:20 am though I am not sure if I really woke up or my insomnia is just continuing. It does not feel like four hours have elapsed since 1 am. Four hours is a pretty long span of time and if I really am awake for that long amount of time, I could feel it. More probably, I failed to sense that I was asleep and I just remembered the time that I woke up because of mosquito bites which seem to be a linear span of time without breaks in between. At 5:20 am, I cannot take it anymore and I turned on the aircon to drive away the insects. I am quite sure that I fell asleep since I did not feel the aircon’s cool wind (which should have turned on) between 1 am and 5:20 am

God abandoned us

In Uncategorized on November 2, 2010 at 2:43 pm

God has abandoned us. Yes he did. He might have been with us in the past but, today, He has given up our cause.

I am good at one thing and at that thing only. I found out, however, that what I thought was my best was not good enough. It is close to one of the best but not good enough. If I am not the best, I am just the like the rest. For years, I have toiled to achieve the highest honors with that single-minded purpose. I gave up a lot of things that any normal human beings are supposed to have just to achieve my goal since these things would just take up my time from the thing that is most important. People hated me for giving up on them, for not going out with them because of the fact that I prioritize my education above all things. Yet, in the end, I found out that it was not enough. I did not get the recognition that I deserved. I was just like anyone except for the fact that I put my eggs in one basket and I lost terribly. All these years, I thought that I would achieve that goal yet it is impossible. I wasted years of my life for something that I thought I can achieve with a lot of hard work but I am wrong. It is impossible.

I do not have any reason to go on since the thing that what I thought I am good at turned to be a mere illusion. I wasted my life for nothing. After graduation, I feel that I have been an empty shell. I do not have much to put on my resume since I did not attend extra-curricular activities because these events interfere with my studying time. I gave up going out on dates because these are too expensive and girls will only date a guy that is rich and has a car. I am neither. I thought I was rich in intellect but apparently I am also broke. I am not good at anything.

Why did I say that God abandoned us? I was born in a poor country. If my country has just been a bit richer, I would not suffer this fate. I would have a car and a girl as easy as me having a lot of money. I will have money to buy everything I want but my situation is quite the opposite. My parents always scrutinize everything I buy, it takes a fortune to continue on further studies and it is more probable that the world will end than me having a full scholarship on the top medical schools in the world.

God’s “shepherds” are still in power but these people are corrupt. Throw a few millions of our currency and these rats would come scampering for the scraps. Yet they dictate government policy and how ordinary people should lead their lives. Maybe they really are the agents of God. The God who tolerates evil and is a disappointment to mankind. The God who was there in the Holocaust yet He did nothing. He just watched as His chosen people became lambs led to the slaughter. If God did that to the Jews, how about us who are non-Jews? Our fate is more uncertain.