Knights of Walpurgis

Where is God when you need Him?

In Uncategorized on March 15, 2011 at 10:06 pm

I was looking for God all this time. I do not know where he is. He is said to be omnipotent, an ever-present existent that lives among us.

Things have happened in these past few weeks that eroded my confidence in God. This all comes down to the matter that I did not get what I deserved. These include my wants, my honors and my needs.

Like everyone else, I have desires which can be satisfied by material wealth. I wish to have a car just like my peers. It does not have to be fancy or classy but something decent. I do not want to be too flashy but I also do not want it to be something that was way past due its age of going to the scrap yard. I want it to be decent. I know how to drive or still know how to since it has been a year and a half since I sat in a car’s driver seat. That was not even our car but that of my driving school. The car is a symbol of freedom which is freedom to go anywhere by the power of gasoline. My freedom is severely curtailed by our situation of having only a single car. My father is (still) looking for another car which we can use. I am expecting that he would give me the freedom to use the car but it is still in the imaginary phase. He has been looking for a car for more than a year now and several times we came across a car which we believe is perfect but it slips from our grasp mainly because of its price tag. All this time, my great father is probably thinking that I would not find out about his jig. Now, I can see with great clarity that he is giving me hope and when I have enough of the stuff, he pulls the rug underneath me. It was said that once is just a random occurrence, twice is a coincidence and thrice is a natural law. Well, that giving me hope and taking it all back happened thrice. Can you already see a destructive pattern in place?

I am about to graduate from college. I have spent the four most difficult years of my life in this institution. I studied hard. In fact, I studied so hard that I did not have time for my social life. Studies became my priorities. I dropped all of my responsibilities with student organizations to focus on what is important. I often say to myself that before being a member of an organization, I must first be an excellent student. In the university, studies take precedence over everything. Every damn thing. I have excellent grades in most of my subjects. This paid up in the short term with me being included in the honors selection in almost every semester. My dream of being a magna cum laude, however, is now in ruins. My goal, after that, is go for the consolation prize which is cum laude. I also failed to accumulate enough points to reach this goal. I prayed to God for me to give this goal. He did not heed my prayers. I know that I deserve that damn award. Now I am just like any non-honor graduate. It’s as if all I worked for was nothing. I should not have exerted effort to be an honor graduate if I knew that I would eventually fail in the end. All my previous honors would pale in comparison to what I will get in college and all my semester awards would pale in comparison to what I would get at the end of college. I deserve that award. Academics were the only thing that I am good at and I found out that I am not good enough. The fulcrum in which my self-confidence revolves is smashed to smithereens.

What I need is to pass the best medical school in the country. The best medical school in the country is also subsidized by the government. This means that the school is not only the best but one of the cheapest medical schools. My parents always slap me with the reality that they are the ones who are giving me food, shelter, allowance, etc. If I passed admission in the best medical school, we would have great savings. I did not pass. God knows how badly I need to pass. Not only do I need to pass but I deserve to pass. I have a back-up plan. My university has a new medical school and since my university is the best in the country, overall, the new medical school is expected to be a contender. However, there are still no graduates from that medical school. The first graduates will be churned out after my first year in the medical school so that I have no way to know if I got in the best school. As always, I only got the consolation prize never the grand prize.

I remember the song by The Fray called “You Found Me.” It is about abandonment in the face of problems. This is probably what God is good at. In a part of the song, God indeed comes but he was too late to change anything. This is what usually happens to me. God is always too late to change anything. He should not have come at all if he did not come when he is needed the most. His presence was not needed at present but he could be useful in the past.

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